Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 18, 2012

Day 3

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 12:21 pm

I have a plan. I usually even have a backup plan, and then a backup-plan to the back-up plan. It’s part of my personality to always have something to fall back on. But what about when someone else falls – someone that I’ve agreed to assist. It’s not an agreement as some have come to understand agreements. In fact, from my perspective it’s a one-sided agreement because I’ve made it with only me, towards another, and I ask nothing in return; although I’m sure that I’ve been assisted in many ways, many of which I have not seen until after the fact.

I’ve come to see the solutions for fixing (to an extent) me and this systematic world of ours. Still, there is a point within which I see that it’s still just the beginning, with true equality/freedom a long ways away. It’s like my writing, now: Eventually I’ll get to the points I’m trying to make; until then, I’ll just keep writing around in circles. The truth will come out sooner or later and that will be me.

Today, someone very close to me let me know that she is going through a very difficult emotional experience. I see that this experience has to do with fear. Perhaps, it is the fear of not having me there to assist or take care of her. I’ve never wanted anyone to count on me – don’t get your hopes up, you won’t be let down. Instead of trying to speak to her, I wrote her a long email. In the email, I pointed out her position within the system, showed her some of her options, and pointed out that her fears (of not having enough money, of course) were all in her mind. I told her that, to let go of the fears, required standing up and facing the fears, directing herself to move, physically move to another location. Let go of the burdens if you are able – and she is – and move/climb out of box, to see that there is so much more out there, so many opportunities, so much just waiting to be experienced. There have been times when I have felt trapped with no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s like being in a boxed-in world. I could settle for the box that I’m in, and change me / my definitions so as to still enjoy the box, or I could just climb out of the box and see what else is out there. I guess, that’s a little like changing my world, or maybe it’s just like abandoning one ship for another. I guess that I could just redesign my box. Admittedly, I have had mixed results with trying to change through only changing my physical location. I opt for a combination of the two.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to write around in circles in the hopes that, that which is really on my mind can stay hidden in the maze. When and as I find myself at the point of writing around a point, instead of directly to the point, I stop, breathe, and I place that which I am at that moment, directly into words. Secrets equal fears; write them all out so as to no longer fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to participate in the mind’s/my game of playing with words so as to not have to face me. I realize that this is a resistance point, a point that I’ve participated within and as because a part of me doesn’t want to change. When and as I find me at the point of playing with words, instead of honestly writing them – as me – I stop, breathe, stop playing around, and start writing directly to the point.

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