Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 15, 2012

Day 2: A long way from nothingness

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 9:26 am

Day 2
15 April 2012
The day started out simple: visit a friend in Taipei, have some dinner, and maybe go to a club. But I should have known better; nothing is ever simple with me or certain individuals with whom I choose to associate. It wasn’t a terrible evening; it was just a ridiculous waste of time, waste of money and waste of an evening. I always seem to be searching for something that interests me, intrigues me, entertains me. What it ends up being all too often is just another drinking session in which time has been wasted and little to nothing has been accomplished. The night did however, reveal to me a point. I saw it in another, but it could just as well have been me. How many of us live a lie, spend so much time attempting to make it look as though we have it all together, to make it look as though everything is fine? But what is “fine” in such a fucked up world – my world. Comparing self to others satisfies the ego; at least I’m not like that guy; at least I look presentable, can write and speak as though I know what the hell I’m talking about, what the hell is going on.
The truth is I do think that I have an idea – of what is going on. I’m seeing me, paying attention to me, my experiences, my reactions, the points within and as me that I simply do not seem to want to let go of. There is so much that I accept and allow. Not so much because I enjoy these particular points within and as me, but because I don’t (yet) see a different me, a me without these points. Who would I be without the karaokes and the singing, the barbecues and the beers? Who would I be without the relationships with which I surround me, the people I use so as not to just sit around the house, browse the internet, searching for change to come from without, all the while realizing that I’m alone in the battle to realize me. Funny though, I don’t feel alone, just a little lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to follow paths that I know will lead me to points that harm me and others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to not take self-responsibility for me in the moment, but instead have allowed me justify not taking self-responsibility with thoughts of, “It’s all just part of my process.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to ignore me as life within and as the physical, and instead follow the mind – seeking the easy road, the escape.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to fear loosing the me that I have come to know and trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give me as life a chance to create me a new.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to believe that I require others in order to express and enjoy me here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can make a difference, that I can be a pillar of change in this world.

When and as I find me at the point of entering a path that I know leads only to shame, I stop, I breathe, and I become the will to change course to direct me on the path that proceeds towards self-honesty, equality, and honoring all that is here.
When and as I find myself at the point of justifying not taking self-responsibility, I stop, and I give me a chance to do that which assists me instead of harming me.
When and as I find myself at the point of wondering who and how I’d be without my patterns and addictions, I stop wondering, and I will me to proceed to create me the way I would have all be unto me.
When and as I find myself at the point of seeking/desiring relationships so that I have company or something to do, I stop, and I the seeking and desiring are the products of not taking self-responsibility for me. I am here; it is for me to direct me.
When and as I find me a the point of doubting that I can stand and make a difference, I stop and I realize that the doubts are simply me as ego looking for an easy way out, justifications for wasting time. Just do it!

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