Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 14, 2012

Day 1

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 12:55 am

14 April 2012
The other day I told my wife that I was going to a friend’s house to drink some wine and barbecue. I had considered lying to her so as to avoid a reaction. I told her the truth, and I got the reaction – anger, anger, and angrier. It was the same reaction that I’ve seen many times over the last 20 years, and it came as no surprise. For the most part, I stayed calm, breathing. There was one point where I began to raise my voice as anger, but then I stopped because I was paying attention to me, and I knew all too well where this point would take me. So when I finally left, I had to take the dog with me – both of got locked out. Here, I was also on top of things; I had already grabbed extra house keys. So I drove around the block a couple of times, snuck back into the house, left Happy there and went to my friend’s house. I realize that this point has come around many times. Although, each time that I have “faced” this point, I have dealt with it more affectingly than the time before, I have yet to transcend this point, this point of not allowing me to be moved by another’s actions towards me. And then there is the question as to whether or not I should have just stayed home, given in to her command, anger,fear. Here, I see two points that I am facing: The first is the point of me reacting to my perceived reactions of another; The second is my continued insistence that I direct me, regardless of whether that direction is best for me/all.

Self Forgiveness (reacting to another’s anger)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to judge another as being angry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to react to that anger, within and as anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to consider being dishonest, so as to avoid having to face the reactions of another or the consequences of my decisions/actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest so as to avoid the reactions of others / consequences of my decisions/actions.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to not yet see clearly the point that I am missing, the point within and as which I require to change me so that I am no longer these points of reaction/desires.

Self corrective statements
When and as I find me at the point of believing/defining/judging another to be of a certain emotional state, I stop, breathe, and I realize that what I see in another is me. Thus, it is for me to stop my participation within and as anger/emotions.
When and as I find me at a point of reacting to something or someone, I stop, breathe, and I remain stable/here, so as not be moved by anything. I must remember to direct me, to not be moved by anything. And within moving me / self movement, I do so within and as that which I see to be best for all.
When and as I find me at the point of dishonesty, I stop, breathe, and realize that dishonesty is fear that will always here as me until I face it openly within and as honesty. Therefore, I stand within and as self honesty, and do not allow me to move as fear.
When and as I find me at the point of not wanting to change me, I stop, breathe, and I realize that, that too is simply fear of loosing that which I’ve defined myself as and come to believe that that is all I am. Thus, I walk into the darkness so as not to fear change, so as to no longer be defined; I walk here.

I understand that the starting point of my wife’s anger is fear, fear that I will be harmed and she will be left alone. Interestingly, having returned home for just over a week now, I’m already kind of ready to move back down south again. Is it that I like the weather down there better? Yes. Is it that I like having my independence? Yes. But I also enjoy being with my wife. My goal is to have her eventually join me there.

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