Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 24, 2011

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 5:27 pm

It’s about forcing myself to write, which I don’t very much enjoy – the forcing part – , doing. Sometimes when things unexpectedly change in my world, I will go into a mode within which I as the mind seek to understand this change by analyzing the varies angles, options and obstacles that this change represents. It is during this time that I don’t usually speak out, because I’m not sure what to say because I haven’t made a decision, and even if I have, I’ll often hold my speak until the decision is to be enacted – maximizing the time to decide. Which is a long way of saying that I don’t enjoy making decisions, I don’t like to decide. So, I don’t – I don’t decide. I simply do what I do when I do it – and only then do I see what I’m doing, because I’m doing it = living in the moment, but not necessarily understanding what I’m going to do in the next moment because I’m not yet doing it. I say this because I’ve come to see, or should I say, beginning to see that, the “I” of consciousness, me – thinking that I’m actually making a decision or taking my time to decide, is at best – somewhat deceptive, at worst – a complete fraud, and at the very least – unreliable; I should know – it’s me.

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