Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

March 28, 2011

Where am I still a lie? Were not?

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 5:59 am

OK, I stop – breath and stop participating in dishonesty. To be honest, there isn’t that much that I desire to say, which I guess is progress within the process of deconstructing and quieting self. I have been paying very close attention to how much alcohol I drink and the affect or should I say – end result of that consumption.

The first, perhaps extremely important observation is that within consuming alcohol, there is a point – I’ll call it “the half way point,” wherein after having drunk a certain amount of alcohol within a certain period of time, I start to feel better, finely tuned, in control, in touch with self, etc, An appropriate name for this point would be the sucker-punch point because it’s this point at which one (in a slightly high state) is suckered into thinking/believing that more alcohol will enable me/him/her to maintain or elevate this state or feeling. Unfortunately, more drinking does just the opposite, and going down is always faster than going up. I’ve singled this point out because I’ve often wondered why and how I would have two different experiences within drinking And given that one of the experiences was OK and the other was more of a blur; why would I want to drink beyond the fine experience just to go into the blur experience? The answer is quite simple: first I allow the alcohol to numb me down a bit, then I allow myself to be suckered into believing that more is better, and finally I’m too numb to know the difference. Come to think of it, isn’t that the way all drugs work – including medication? The other thing that I’ve noticed is that drinking beyond this point causes me (whether perceived or real) to be less productive for at least the next day, and to require (again – perceived or real) more sleep – which I see/justify as the physical needing time to repair.

I have followed through on my plans to reduce my consumption. It’s now at two days (sometimes 3) per week, in which I only drink beer and perhaps – but rarely- some wine. I’m not necessarily OK with this; it’s simply what I’ve been participating in, and am now in the process of analyzing. Usually about one of those days per week, I’ve noticed that I might drink 7-8 beers during the course of the day. The result of this is that the next day or two, there is sometimes a lingering sensation within and as me that I’ve done something wrong – been dishonest. I call it a lingering sensation as opposed to a guilty feeling because I’ve become quite adept/skilled at not participating within the polarity design of negative and positive feelings That being said, and regardless of what this lingering sensation is, it’s not something that I enjoy. So, what am I going to do about it? Before I answer this question, I’m going to consider myself and what I will follow through on. For me, this process is about establishing self-honesty to build self-trust. So, what am I going to do about it? I’m going to … Alright, I will reduce or eliminate consumption of the Sunday beers, which have typically been the days in which I drunk excessively. I see now a psychological aspect: I drink less on Saturday because I know that I’ll still allow myself to drink on Sunday; but then on Sunday, I want to drink more because I know that I won’t allow myself to drink again until the weekend – fascinating. So, to recap: I’m still going to allow myself the option to drink beers on weekends and holidays, but I will move towards eliminating or at the very least, reducing consumption on Sundays.
One more thing: The whole time I’ve been writing this, I’ve had back chat on possible comments, and the need to preemptively attack and eliminate those comments, with justifications. Self Forgiveness:
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as ego in desiring to attack perceptions-of-others, before they’ve even have a chance to have a perception.
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the idea that I need to project and maintain an image of strength and unwavering determination, instead of standing in and as self honesty as who I am, that which I have accepted and allowed self to become, and that which only self must face.
Well, this is where I stopped writing about 3 days ago because I had to go to work – I think. Anyway, on Thursday I ended up drinking 1 and a half beers, and on Friday, through the course of the day – until 11pm I drank 4 beers and not quite a half bottle of wine. I just had a chuckle there because BC (back chat) interjected with, “That’s not a lot,” and I had a memory of talking to my older brother (an MD) about my drinking habits. When he asked me how my I drank, I said, “about a case of beer per week.” “That’s not too bad,” he said. And then, I added, “and maybe 2 or three bottles of wine and a bottle of whiskey.” So this is what I call a written out BC preemptive justification strike, aimed at the imaginary critic who might see 4 beers and a half-bottle of wine, as being a lot of alcohol. I was just going to write SF for that, but I see that I’ve already written it above. So, I guess that I need a self corrective course of action: When and as I find myself participating within the point of using justifications in an attempt to preempt/manipulate/limit response from others, I stop – breathe, and realize that within the judgments that I am attempting to avoid from others is the point of judgment within self that I have not self-honestly identified and addressed; thus, I am still self judging instead of self directing.

So, I’m looking at this point (again) of why I still seek to justify my actions. After all, my actions are my consequences. Fear: I’m afraid that people will see me as less than the image that I would want myself to be seen as, which is the reason that I am projecting onto them – the need to justify myself – as the cause of my being dishonest, which is in itself dishonest, which brings me back to the cause of my fear (one big fucking circle), which is the fear of being exposed or fear of others knowing my secrets. So, herein “lies” the point… And the solution to this point/lie: As previously stated, the only way to get rid of the fear is to have nothing to fear, and the only way to have nothing to fear is to have noting to hide/loose = not valuing anything that is separate from self = freedom. Be honest with self as well as all else to equalize the inner- secret mind with the outer me in and as the physical; to direct self within and as what is best for all.
Now I’m going to look at the justifications for why I’m still drinking, and analyze these justifications to try to better understand me, so as to equalize the inner and the outer me so as to stand one and equal to, with and as all that is here in and as the physical; and then I’ll move on to how to determine what is best for all, and whether or not I’m directing myself accordingly, and if not, why not and how I should go about correcting the situation.

The first thing that comes to mind regarding drinking is that I understand that drinking more than a certain amount within a certain time period is not what best for all. The reason that I understand this is because I understand on a personal (physical and mental) level that it’s not what’s best for me. It’s kind of funny because the back-chat argument is way, way ahead of the image that I’m trying to put forth in this writing. In all honesty, I’ve already decided how I was going to and will continue to address my drinking / consumption of alcohol; and that is specifically, within the “context” of it being part of the process that I’m in as opposed to the process. Is that a cop-out? Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. The reason I say this is because I attribute where I am now – the fact that I’m not drinking a case of beer, two bottles of wine and a bottle of whiskey every week – to in a large part the process that I am currently in. So, what have gotten out of all this writing? I’m not really sure, and I even wonder if I didn’t do more harm than help. Having just read what I wrote, it doesn’t seem as though I’ve said much at all. I still have little idea of where I’m going with all this; but I will say that, wherever it is that I’m going, I’m not bringing Fear.

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