Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

March 17, 2011

Blinded by the Illusion

Like a moth that flies into the fire I’ve been mesmerized by the excitement of the crisis in Japan and blinded by the self-created illusion that I am somehow a participant and not a voyeur.

This isn’t the first time (since beginning this process) that I’ve found myself suddenly back inside the mind. Several months ago, I was just beginning to enjoy the quiet and then suddenly a case regarding an old investment popped up out of nowhere. As I saw it, I could either be cheated out of the investment; or start a legal battle and possibly recoup some of the investment. The bait that attracted me was the possibility of getting some money out of the deal. But to do this required that I do most of the legal work, which meant many days studying Pennsylvania company-law and then diving into a web of “if this – then that, if not this – then that…” I really didn’t want anything to do with the entire situation. But I wanted the money, so I went ahead and did it. And so it went: the mind running in overtime all day and all night until I’d finally fall asleep. In the end (three months later), having recharged the system, demonstrated that I was still a faithful slave; the system made a pay-off and I got some money. From the very start, I saw this experience as a time-loop – greed and the lure of money enticing me to drop everything and go for it. I had thought that I had succeeded in quieting the mind. I was wrong. It became a battle within the mind, one side fighting to charge into the illusion – the mind – and the other side fighting to stay out of the battle/illusion altogether. In the end, it was a compromise which, I wouldn’t necessarily call a win, but I did consider it progress because I hadn’t make the same mistakes that I had sixteen years ago. Five days ago, the same sort of scenario began. First, there was the earthquake and then the Tsunami; but it was the nuclear meltdown – the lure of four nuclear reactors simultaneously melting down – catastrophic uncertainty – that I found so “intriguing”. I knew that by chasing the knowledge and the information, calculating/predicting possible scenarios and then deciding on possible personal courses of action, that I was in essence participating in an illusion. I say “an illusion” because, although it may be real for many, for me it’s all happening in the mind. Actually, I’m just now as I write, seeing this more clearly. Before, I just knew that there was something off about what I was doing. So I tried to do both – be here, and be aware of the situation. I did four You Tube videos before I grudgingly settled upon one to post. I wrote three or four pages of stuff, but when I read them, they just didn’t make sense. Then, I listened to a video by Bernard, called “Emotion as Equality Awareness, and it occurred to me that all I’ve been doing is participating in an illusion, feeding the mind’s addiction to energy; instead of dealing with what is here and motivating myself to change that which is here.

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