Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

March 11, 2011

The Inner not equal to the Outer = out of Ballance

I got up at 5:30 in the morning, and in the last 4 hours, I’ve accomplished very little. Well, I did clean Happy’s ears, clean the kitchen, eat the last of a big sandwich I made, start munching on the pretzels, and take Happy out for a 5 min walk. Yep, basically very little accomplished. The mind suggested that I just have a beer, take the day off and relax. I replied that it was too early to have a beer and I already have the day off. Go to Ikea, go shopping… Anything to just not have to sit down and write in honesty – face myself. What am I going to write about? I can talk about the video I recently did in which (as I see it) I broke out of a pattern of blaming others for my trying (and failing – as I saw it) to fit in, then realizing that it was my problem – not someone else’s, and then ending up where I wanted to be in the first place of having a reason to not force myself to fit in. It’s funny how I talk about the people I see associated with Desteni as “fitting in,” because, as it just occurred to me, I don’t see any of those guys as your average conformist. How could I have been so blind? Look around! These are the ones who for one reason or another, have stood and continue to stand outside of the mainstream, outside of the masses. The one thing we all have in common (aside from Internet access) is that we see “the system” as the problem – not the solution. I would like to call myself a Destonian too. But I haven’t taken any tests, at least the ones that your scores come in red ink on a peace of paper. Also, I’m still defined by knowledge and information. I know this because I still spend most of my time in the mind. These days, the physical – my physical body – has been assisting me a lot more directly then it used to. For example, whenever I start thinking/manipulating, I get a headache in the upper left or right side of the forward portion of my skull. I stop the thoughts / thinking and the headache goes away, simple. It’s sometimes on the right and sometimes on the left, and I’m not sure why, but I’m sure it’s specifically placed. Either way, I’m thankful for the assistance. Thoughts of going to Ikea lead to thoughts of beer which lead to thoughts of writing just for fun. And this where I’m getting rid of this idea that writing is not fun – I’m enjoying writing right now. I think it’s the mind that doesn’t want me to write about me, doesn’t want me to know who I am and how I operate. Because, if I knew that, I might realize that I can change who I am and how I operate. Can I change who I am? I know that I can change how I operate – perhaps that does change who I am. I don’t think I even care, as long as I change me so that I am never again lost. Actually, I take that back – being lost isn’t so bad, in fact it can be fun; it’s not knowing where I am that is where I don’t want to be. I just read a couple of sentences of mine and I see clearly that I’m a mess – on the inside – the outside’s looks fine. So, why do I have so much shit going on inside of me, and so little apparently happening on the outside? Why aren’t the inner and the outer equal? I don’t know, but I do know that that’s the problem that I’m trying to correct. So there’s my title for this post “The Inner not equal to the Outer = Out of Balance”. Call it a breakout point, transcendence point, or what you will; I’ve finally (I think) done something or arrived somewhere at a place where I can start letting go of me, without trying to hang on to the peaces that don’t look pretty on the outside, so as not to bore the reader/watcher on the other side. Perhaps the mess that is me, can be cleaned by sweeping out the mind of all the words that I have given useless meanings to, and stored there to so that I’d never be bored.

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