Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

February 22, 2011

Follow up on the Follow up of Banning an ex Drinking-buddy

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:37 pm

The realization that I’ve come to – thanks in a large part to Sunette’s video, Loss: Hiding Responsibility, has to do with my responsibility with regards to the relationship. It’s fascinating, because I don’t really like/want to talk about it. There’s a part of the mind that doesn’t want to expose this for fear of loosing a part of – a part of my personality or personality construct. Anyway, here goes. As far as male friends go, my relationships have almost all fallen under the category of “drinking” companions. Within that category, I subdivide it into two general categories – those that I knew I could learn something from and those that for the most part were just for entertainment / passing the time drinking-buddies. This isn’t really new information to me. I’ve kind of always understood it from the perspective of moving deliberately into and out of situations, and I’ve never really tried to hide that. In fact, I’ve often felt for the most part – for lack of a better word – nauseous – when people would talk about the wonderful friendships we have blah, blah, blah… I knew it was all bullshit because there was always a value that I could place on it, within which I knew it wouldn’t stand. Sometimes I would speak out, but just as often, I wouldn’t. As I write this, I think, “what a waste – the amount of bullshit that passes peoples lips, including mine, in the name of trying to win another over to one’s point of view. Maybe this is all bullshit that I’m writing now – I’m experiencing a lot of resistance to it. Take Happy for a walk, come back and then continue.

Back from walk.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it is the responsibility of self (me) to stop / not participate in such relationships based on two or more people supporting the ego’s need to be reinforced by the company of someone who is as lost – if not more lost than the other. I knew that this relationship was coming to an end, but instead of standing up and self honestly directing myself to end it; I used the point of the buddy becoming abusive, as an excuse to sever contact. The reason I did that was for the same reason I posted on the internet – I don’t want there to be any possibility of a reunion with this person – unless of course, there are some major adjustments to his personality and or my abilities to direct me – which is what I’m working on. It’s a process, and major part of my process is to not go back into patterns of escaping reality with drinking buddies who support each-others delusions – herein, I recognize that I have been an equal partner in such activities. My priority is and has been to survive first, by getting out of these patterns anyway that I can, and then, in understanding what the hell I’m doing, move forward. It’s a process that’s going to take some time, and I don’t expect that it’s always going to be pretty. But I am certain that it will continue to be an adventure.

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