Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

July 27, 2010

Identifying my dishonesty

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 1:57 pm

I’m beginning to realize some of the “judgment” aspects of myself – in this case, judgment of others. I’ve categorized others, faulted them in my mind, and by not speaking out in the moment, maintained (in my mind) a position of superiority. It has not been uncommon for me to not say anything (in the moment), while in my mind, knowing that with only a few words, I could make a/the person (whose position I’ve deemed inferior or incorrect) look like a fool. I’m not sure where this realization/awareness is leading to, but I do know that self judgment and/or judgment of others is… judgment. So, I’m now in a process of no longer participating within and as judgment – of anything. In other words, when in the moment I see a point that I disagree with (in principle) I speak out. If that, point regarding another comes up within my mind (and not in the moment), I apply self forgiveness for the dishonesty I’ve participated within and I stop the thoughts.

I now realize that in the past, I often sat back in my mind in my chair of superiority, and condescendingly said nothing. I though to myself that, not to embarrass someone for his or her point of view was the polite thing to do. What I didn’t realize, but am beginning to realize now, is that everything I/we think has affect. In other words, by me (within my mind) disagreeing with and being condescending towards someone, rather than standing up in the moment, I not only engaged in insulting that person but also in self dishonesty. Another thing that I am now certain of is that my mind and my thoughts are not as secret as I once thought them to be. I’m not sure if this has to do with the process I am in or the changes that are taking place within existence, or both. What I am sure of and have begun to notice is that people that I interact with act differently towards me, depending on (at least to some extent) my thoughts or lack of thoughts.

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